When the self reflection gets a little to deep.

When you ask someone the question “who are you?” It makes them stop. And within that little pause before they respond around a thousand things are going through their head. Its a question that can go a few different ways. Either they are asking for your name, or want to get past the basic introductions. Then you start to think about things like your personality, what you like, even contemplating weather you know who you truly are.


And then we move on to the question of “who are you going to be?”. Not what you are going to do, but who are you going to be. What kind of person are you going to be? What lessons will you carry with you? Are you going to be someone who is trustworthy and kind? comedic? Untrustworthy? Negative? It takes a lot to find these answers. Moments of self discovery, the worst moment of your life, happy moments, maybe even that one time where you tried something new, then it proceeded to become half of your whole personality. True story.


As Elliot Page says in their book “pageboy” “I’d exhausted myself trying with all of me to figure out what was wrong, runnning from one place to the next, fooling myself into thinking I could find it. But the answer was in the silence, the answer would only come when I chose to listen.”


What is important to you in terms of what kind of a person you want to be? What qualities do you want to have? There’s a Taylor swift song that kind of describes this. In her song titled Marjorie, she says 

The importance of knowing when you need to be a certain person. Being kind but not to the point where you can be taken advantage of. I wish to be a kind and genuine person, while still being able to have strong opinions. I hope I am someone my friends can trust, someone they look forward to seeing. I hope I’m not a hindrance. Loving people starts with accepting yourself, and I think I am still working on the accepting yourself part. There is still that part of me that questions weather I am worth it, weather people want to be around me. I guess I want to be accepting of myself. Accepting of my gender, my personality, the way I live.

throughout the interviews, novel study and Ted talks one thing showed up again and again. Community. That word specifically. We rely on the people around us. that sense of community is something we all value. And we need that. We need those people we can trust, have fun with, ask for advice, and have those meaningful conversations with. And that is something I value and hold close to me. I need people and I hope I can make a positive impact on them in return.

Who do you want future you to be? 

There’s a song I found called “just a man”. Something about the words spoke to me. The wondering of the future, whenever that thing you’ve been looking forward to will happen, when you change into that more knowledgeable version of yourself. That older, more mature version of yourself. 

I hope future me is free. I hope he doesn’t loose his love for the nerdy things, keeps being kind and funny. I hope future me keeps trying to live, finds reasons to make life worth it. I hope I’m able to be out freely to my family at some point, and I hope I find a job that I am happy with. Something that plays to my strengths and allows me to showcase them. Would it be too simple to say I hope future me is alive? Maybe. But I feel like that thought of “will I even make it  past this year” has turned into “I have things to look forward to, and reasons to stay”.

this is a portion of my novel study reflection. I found that how relatable the book was turned out to be a joy and a curse at the same time. It made me question a lot about myself, like those reminders from my mom telling me that it will be difficult to exist as a trans man, wich was most certainly showcased at some parts of this book, but also showing me that it was possible. That you can be free.

free is a weird word. You can be free from a lot of things.

The definition of freedom gets the point across, but for me being free is almost a feeling. That feeling of weight lifting off your shoulders, those times where you are able to be your true self. And maybe I do feel freedom in a more defined sense. But who needs to follow a definition anyways.

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